Concerning Noses

I have a very active nose, one that is very good at producing what noses produce. I’m sure I have one of the cleanest nasal passages on the continent because of this inherent trait I’ve received from my father.

At a young age, I learned the value of carrying a handkerchief. Tissues were never enough because they were never designed to withstand payloads of such magnitude as what took flight from my face. These handkerchiefs were an embarrassing savior. They were available to keep fluids from running down my upper lip in an unsightly manner, but the attention they drew when used was undesirable. Handkerchiefs are something used only by the senior generation and not greatly understood by my generation. I was often reminded by my peers that I was putting slimy, germ-ridden slugs in my pocket every time I used my handkerchief. They would then draw my imagination to where those slugs went when I threw them in the wash. I figured it wasn’t any worse than any other dirty laundry, so it never bothered me. Furthermore, washers are designed to wash clothes, so they all come out clean anyway. Why didn’t they understand that?

Now, concerning the maintenance of the air passages, we all know breathing is important and that clear airways are required to breathe properly. I observed many of my peers at the feeding trough with their jaws slopping in an unsightly manner because they could not chew and breathe at the same time. The reason being that they did not know the proper methods of keeping their primary air ducts clear of debris. The nose is for breathing, the mouth for eating, and never should one do both jobs at the same time. A person should not breathe through their mouth while eating any more than they should snort tabasco sauce while smelling roses. The experience is tainted by the misuse of these apparatuses. I was mocked for using a handkerchief. I contented myself by exacting my revenge through my silence, for they would never know how miserable they really were or how foolish they looked as they chewed like cows with their cud.

But I stray from the focus. Maintenance of the nasal passages is necessary to prevent the irritating whistles and rasping sounds that emit from a plugged snooter. The methods of maintaining the air passages can be related to some methods of mining. The most common method, normally seen among toddlers, is the shovel method, executed by inserting a phalange into the nasal passage and flexing said phalange to cause the keratin protein constructs to scrape away debris. Though this method is generally looked down upon when employed in public, it is effective for removing shallow collections of debris.

The second method relates to dynamite blasting. This method is more commonly seen among the ill and allergic, though many others would certainly benefit from adopting the practice. It is executed by plugging one of the nasal passages and strongly exhaling out the other, while also keeping the mouth closed. The use of a handkerchief is a social courtesy to prevent dispatched slugs from landing in unsuitable places. This method is effective for clearing debris deposited deeper than the shoveling method is capable of retrieving, but can clear the shallow debris as well. It is more acceptable to employ this method in public than the shovel method. However, you will still receive stares of disgust from ignorantly miserable heathens.

Occasionally there are debris deposits that, for some reason or another, are not in reach of the shovel method and too stubborn to be removed by blasting. Therefore, a more drastic method must be employed; that of drilling. The drill should be constructed of a soft durable material so as not to cause damage or become detached from the means of retrieval, potentially causing a more troublesome blockage than what initially inspired the drilling. (Should a drill become hopelessly lodged, you should consult an “expert miner”, found in the nearest institution of physicians.) The drill can be constructed by taking a corner of the selected material and twisting until it becomes rigid enough to begin excavation. Insert the drill into the encumbered nasal passage with a twisting motion in the same direction as was used to construct the drill. This will help maintain the integrity of the excavating instrument. Drill until the debris seems to be cleared. Retrieve the drill with the same twisting motion that was explained before. Repeat as necessary. This method has the same social effect as the shovel method, with similar facial distortions during the excavation process. Therefore, it is recommended that this method only be employed when women, children, and victims of hallucinogens are not present.

By employing the above-mentioned methods regularly, one can keep their nasal passages clear and properly functional, enabling them to experience life at a greater level of sensitivity and being accepted into the more civilized circles of society. More importantly, they will avoid looking like a doped cow when they eat.