Concerning the Art of Wooing Women

(It should be understood that I am single at the time I am writing this paper and therefore cannot prove that I know anything about the female species. So please, don’t take the following too seriously. In fact, take it with a healthy dose of humor.)

 

The path to an eternal place within a woman’s heart leads through a labyrinth of treacherous habits, the mastery of which will provide the keys to winning her affection. However, failure to apply those habits in the appropriate manner or at the appropriate time will result in an irreversible catastrophe equal with the fiery downfall of the Hindenburg; she will become forever lost to you. The following instructions may aid you in this perilous journey. Each paragraph provides and elaborates on a habit that should be engendered if you are to achieve your goal.

To begin with, how you greet a woman will tell volumes about your development and confidence, as well as how you feel about her. It is central to your success. I’m sure you’ve heard that the first impression is the most important. Well, every time you meet her is a chance for another first impression. There are many great greetings. I will give only a few pointers.

Be sure to stand when she enters the room. Not only is this a classy practice of etiquette that women simply adore, but it also does two very important things. First, it gets her to notice you. This is good. Second, it lets her know that you noticed her. This is very good, because women like to be noticed. Next, be sure to over-express your joy to again be in the presence of the woman of your interest, especially after a separation of any unusual amount of time (the duration of which is inversely related and proportionate to the status of your relationship. In other words, as your relationship increases, the time you’re away that is considered by her as “unusual” decreases. In other-other words, stay in touch). Women want to know that they are loved, and they do not believe they are loved unless they know they are missed. You have to prove you missed her. Begin by saying her name, because nothing is as musical or sweet to the ear as the sound of one’s own name. And then, spill your heart out to her – metaphorically speaking. Please, don’t actually spill your heart out, because that’s just hazardous to your health and could really ruin her day if she witnessed that. But say something endearing. If she likes you, then all you need to do is try, and whatever you say, she will think it is the sweetest thing since the time Adam presented a flower to Eve one Friday evening and said she was beautiful, (whereupon Eve looked down at the flower and said with annoyance, “That’s a dandelion. It’s a weed. Why are you giving me a weed?”, and Adam immediately took the dog and went hunting for the weekend). Be sure what you say is gooey, almost to the point of being sickening. An example may be, “(her name), how my heart has ached since our last parting. Run to me! Embrace me in your graceful arms and let me gaze into your bodaciously beautiful eyes, once again!” Be sure to be near enough to catch her in the likely event of her swooning, or far enough away to duck if she throws something at you. And remember, if she likes you, then all you need to do is try, and her little, female heart will melt for you. If she doesn’t like you, then it doesn’t matter if you have words that will turn the moon into gold; she will still think you’re a freak. In which case, I would advise that you forget her and move on.

Give gifts. However, be sure the gifts are in the price range of between free and dirt-cheap. The only woman worth spending any notable amount of money on is your wife. The rest of them won’t be around long enough to be worth it. But don’t tell them that, because every woman wants to be worth something. (Unfortunately, they often attach their personal value to meaningless, expensive things; like shiny rocks.) Besides, it’s not the dollar value of the gift that matters. It’s the way the gift reflects how well you know her and shows how you care about the little things that are important to her. How do you get to know her well enough to accomplish such a daunting feat as this? Well, the answer leads us to our next topic.

Listen to her. God placed men on earth for women to talk at, and God placed dogs on earth for men to talk at. That is the pecking order. Deal with it. Women seem to instinctively need to fill a quota of about 20,000 words per day, and they need someone of a high enough mental capacity to unload that quota on. For some reason, they cannot talk to the wall or to themselves. Someone else must be listening. Dogs would violently implode if they were subjugated to such a constant and vast rigmarole. (That’s why dogs are man’s best friend, because dogs will simply get up and leave when they’ve heard enough from a woman. It’s a survival instinct.) If you care about her, you will listen, and she will notice. You will also learn things about her that you would not have discovered otherwise. Some of it you will be glad to have learned, and some of it… not so much.

Compliment her on her appearance. Women are extraordinarily vain creatures who care very much about how they look. Comment positively about how they look, but don’t be general. Do not say, “You look fine,” but rather, note a detail or two. Women put a lot of work into details and they appreciate it when someone appreciates those details. Be sure not to mention any more than one or two things. Any more than this causes them to feel like they are being scrutinized, they become self-conscious, and they feel uncomfortable. This is bad. Some details to notice are hairdos, fingernail polish, jewelry, purses, and other accessories. For some reason, shoes are a hot topic, too. Compliment a woman on her shoes and, more often than not, she will tell you all about where she bought them, how much they were, how she found them, what day it was, what outfits go with them, how well they match other accessories she is wearing, and how much she loves them. It’s the easiest way to break the ice. Do it.

Get off your butt and work every chance you get. Serve her, but don’t coddle (not to be confused with “cuddle”) her. Be aware of her needs. If she’s walking to a door, open it for her. If she cooked you a meal, wash the dishes. If she’s carrying a bag other than her purse, carry it for her. (The deed is even more noteworthy if the bag is pink and flowery. It shows her that she is more important to you than your manly pride.) Women like to watch men work, even if it’s something as small as mixing cookie dough. (Be sure there is plenty of bicep flexing while mixing.) If you are mocked in any of these manly actions by lesser males, just ignore the cads and let them burn in their bachelorhood.

Be confident, not arrogant. Women like confident men, even though most women can’t tell the difference between confidence and arrogance. They often confuse the latter for the former. But that’s okay. Those are the kind of women that aren’t worth pursuing anyway. Confident men don’t feel like they need to talk about themselves. They are willing to talk about other people’s interests. They don’t hesitate to compliment or speak highly of another. They don’t feel the need to compare or “one up” another’s story. When planning with others, they will voice their opinion but still be willing to concede to another’s idea, even if it may not be as good as their own (so long as the idea isn’t a stupid idea). The effect is a low profile with a strong presence; the recipe to pique her interest.

Above all, be a man. Be willing to take a chance, but don’t be stupid. Be respectful as well as respectable. And, as was made clear in the beginning, be careful. You are walking on thin ice.

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